Hello buddies. Here we present 101 Really Funny Jokes for Adults & Kids to make you laugh and feel refreshed with short funny jokes in English. I know you will definitely love these and enjoy reading this. Please send us great jokes if you have through the comment section below.
Contents
101 Really Funny Jokes for Adults & Kids
A three-year old walks over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in a doctor’s surgery.
“Why is your stomach so big?” – he asks.
“I´m having a baby.” – she replies.
“Is the baby in your stomach?” – he asks, with his big eyes.
“Yes, it is.” – she says.
“Is it a good baby?” – he asks, with a puzzled look.
“Oh, yes. A really good baby.” – the lady replies.
Shocked and surprised, he asks: “Then why did you eat him?”
A woman runs into a doctor’s office and says “DOCTOR! DOCTOR! You have to help me! Everywhere I touch on my body it hurts!”
The doctor replied, “Show me.”
So the woman poked her ankle and screamed of pain. Then she poked her knee and yelled OW. She poked her forehead and screamed again.
She was about to continue when the doctor said, “That’s enough, let me think this over.” He thought for about a minute and said “I think I know what your problem is. You broke your finger.”
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box.
She opened it, slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house and again went to the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”
To which she replied, “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying, “YOU’VE GOT MAIL!”
A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.
“Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow. I don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients.”
“Yes, sir!” – answers Seamus.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: “So, Seamus, how was your day?”
Seamus told him that he took care of three patients.
“The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.”
“Bravo, and the second one?” – asks the doctor.
“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Malox, sir.” – says Seamus.
“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” – asks the doctor.
“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a woman entered. Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything including her bra, her panties and lied down on the table. She spread her legs and shouted: “HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!”
“Thunderin’ Lard Jayzus, Seamus, what did ye do?” – asks the doctor.
“I put drops in her eyes.” !!!!!
Customer: Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter: Funny? But then why aren’t you laughing?
Customer: Waiter, there’s a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter: So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?
Customer: Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: That’s all right sir, he won’t drink much.
Customer: Waiter, there’s a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter: Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.
Coffee and a Fly
A customer ordered a cup of coffee in a restaurant! The waiter served the coffee. The customer found a fly in the coffee. He called the waiter.
Customer: How do I drink this coffee!
Waiter: Don’t you know how to drink a coffee?
Customer: Waiter, see, there is a fly in my coffee.
Waiter: Oh yes sir, you are right! There is a fly in your coffee.
Customer: Waiter, I said, there is a fly in MMY coffee (He stressed the word MY)
Waiter: Oh don’t worry sir, the fly won’t drink much!
Customer: Waiter, it is swimming in my coffee.
Waiter: Sir, do you want me to get a lifeguard for the fly sir?
(Annoyed) Customer: the fly dead, it’s irritating!
Waiter: I guess, it doesn’t know how to swim properly.
Customer: How do I drink this coffee?
Waiter: Don’t you know how to drink? I will teach you!
He drank the coffee! And said, this is how you should drink a coffee.
Really Funny Jokes For 11 Year Old
Station Master and a Lady Passenger
A lady was running to catch a train to Bangalore. She reached the station and was searching for the train.
Passenger: (Asked to the station master) Sir, is this my train?
Station Master: No Madam, this is not your train, it’s railways department’s train.
Passenger: (Annoyed) That’s a good joke. Don’t act too smart. What I meant was, can I take this train to Bangalore?
Station Master: No ma’am, you cannot! This train is so BIG and you can’t take it.
Passenger: Its really funny! Now say me, will this train take me to Bangalore?
Station Master: NO ma’am. The train can’t take you. The train driver will drive it to Bangalore!
Lady: Is this my train?
Station Master: No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady: Don’t try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi.
Station Master: No Madam, I’m afraid it’s too heavy.
1 Stephen January 16, 2013 at 5:29 pm
Teacher: What is the difference between lightning and electricity?
Alexander: I know – you do not have to pay for lightning.
A mother takes her three son’s to enroll in school. The teacher asks.
Teacher: What are your son’s names?
Lady: This boy’s name is Leroy, this other boy’s name is Leroy, and Leroy here is my third son’s name.
Teacher: Isn’t it confusing having all three boy’s named the same?
Lady: Oh no, you see when it’s time for lunch I just holler out the door, Leroy! it’s time for lunch, and they all come a runnin. When it’s time for dinner I just holler out the door, Leroy! it’s time for dinner and they all come a runnin.
Teacher: Ok, so what do you do when you want a specific boy?
Lady: Oh, well then I just holler out their last name.
Really Funny Jokes for Adults
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what’s your problem?”
Harry answered, “I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!”
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: “What is 3×3?”
Harry: “9”
Principal: “What is 6×6?”
Harry: “36”
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.”
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions.”
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”
Harry, after a moment: “Legs.”
Ms Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: “Pockets.”
Ms. Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
Harry: “Pants.”
Ms. Brooks: “What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?”
Harry: “Coconut.”
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”
The principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, “Bubble gum.”
Ms. Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?”
Harry: “Shake hands.”
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: “What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?”
Harry: “Firetruck.”
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong…”
Jerry: “I’ve eaten beef all my life and now I’m as strong as a bull.”
Paul: “That is queer. I’ve eaten fish all my life and yet I can’t swim a stroke.”
Really Funny Jokes For Adults Clean
A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide right away. The pharmacist naturally was concerned by such a request and asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he said, “I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license. They’ll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You cannot have any cyanide!”
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well, now. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”
Really Funny Jokes In English
Patient: Doctor, please can you help me out?
Doctor: Yes, you may make your way out the same way you come in.
Really Funny Jokes For Kids
What could be a computer’s favorite dance item?
Disk – o!
How can you make number seven to an even number?
Just take the “s” out from it!
Which is the place pencils like to go for a vacation?
Pencil – vania!
Why did the computer consult with the doctor?
Because it was suffering from a virus!
What is owned by you but mostly used by others?
Your name!
Which is the flower on face?
Tu – lips!
Which is the way chosen by crazy people?
The psycho path!
Can you name a bear with no socks?
A bare-foot!
Can a leopard hide anywhere?
No, he is always spotted!
How can you make a golden soup?
Just add 24 carrots to the soup!
What kind of a star can be risky?
A shooting star!
How do the prisoners communicate with each other?
Through cell phones!
In which bank Dracula like to save money?
In a blood bank!
What type of waves are there in small beaches?
Microwaves!
Really Funny Jokes About School
A boy got a miss call. He went to school and asked his teacher: “Miss why did you send me a call?”
Teacher: “I didn’t.”
Boy: “Well my phone says I got a miss call.”
Really Funny Jokes To Tell
A Chinese man rings his boss, “Me no work I sick.”
Boss says, “When I’m sick, I make love with my wife. Try that.”
Two hours later the Chinese man rings back, “Me better, you got nice house.”
The class teacher asks students to name an animal that begins with an E.
One boy says: “Elephant.”
Then the teacher asks for an animal that begins with a T.
The same boys says: “Two elephants.”
The teacher sends the boy out of the class for bad behaviuor. After that she asks for an animal beginning with M.
The boy shouts from the other side of the door: “Maybe an elephant!”
Really Funny Jokes And Riddles
Polly: “Does your grandmother read the Bible?”
Elaine: “Sure does. Day and night.”
Polly: “But why does she read it so much?”
Elaine: “I guess she’s cramming for her finals.”
A Really Funny Joke To Cheer Someone Up
A teacher asked a student, “Do you know the alphabet?”
The kid said no so the teacher said, “Well, tomorrow you gonna have to say the alphabet to me.”
The kid went home and asked his mom, “Mom, what’s the 1st letter of the alphabet?” His mom responded, “Sshhh I’m on the phone.”
The kid asked his dad, “Dad, what is the 2nd letter of the alphabet?” His dad said, “Yes!”
He then asked his sister, “What’s the 3rd letter of the alphabet?” She said, “Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson.”
He then asked his little brother, “Bro, what’s the 4th letter of the alphabet?” The little brother said, “Driving in my bruum bruum car. Driving in my broom broom car.”
The next day, the kid met the teacher, she asked, “What’s the 1st letter of the alphabet?”
The kid answered, “Sshhh, I’m on the phone.”
The teacher got angry and said, “Do you want to go to the principal office?
The kid responded, “Yes!”
The teacher said, “Who do you think you are?”
The kid said, “Michael Jackson.”
The teacher said, “How do you think you are going to get away with this…”
The kid said, “Driving in my bruum bruum car driving in my broom broom car.”
Very Funny Exam Jokes
Teacher: “Johnny, why are you late?”
Johnny: “Sir, because of a sign.”
Teacher: “What sign?”
Johnny: “A sign that said ‘Go Slowly, School Ahead’.”
So there are three boys called: Shut Up, Manners, and Poo. Poo goes to the well to collect some water but he felt in the well.
Manners goes to the well to try to help Poo out, while Shut Up goes to the police station to get help.
Police: “What is your name?”
Shut Up: “Shut up.”
Police: “Where is your manner?”
Shut Up: “Down the well picking up Poo.”
Very Funny Jokes
A governmental psycharict driver was ordered to take some mad people from Abuja to Katsina state. While on the road, he stopped at one town to take his lunch in a famous restaurant.
After his lunch he came out to find all the mad men gone. He was very afraid so he went to a motor station and picked some people at a cheap price 
There were 4 people in a private plane: a captain, a priest, a boy scout, and a smartest man in the world. Suddenly they heard an explosion, the pilot realized that the engine had exploded so he announced, “Dear passengers, I am afraid that there is a technical problem in the engine. The plane is gonna crash. Grab a parachute and jump!”
The pilot then grabbed a parachute and jumped off. The smartest man in the world said, “I need that parachute, the world needs my knowledge” and so he jumped off.
The priest said, “Boy you take that last parachute, the world doesn’t need me, I am just an old priest.”
The boy scout said, “No, what are you talking about? There are 2 parachutes left.”
“What?” – the priest.
“The smartest man in the world took my backpack.” – responded the boy scout.
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, “Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?”
The third fellow says “I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.”
The first two guys were amazed. “What happened then?” they asked. “She said, ‘get out from under the bed and fight like a man’.”
I went out to buy camaflague trousers but I couldn’t find any!
Did you hear about the blonde that put lipstick on her forehead so she could make up her mind?
Why can’t you tell blondes knock-knock jokes?
Because they go answer the door.
Why is the sky so high? – So birds don’t bump their heads!!
Boy and his teacher conversation:
Boy: “Can I go to the toilet please?”
Teacher: “Say your alphabet.”
Boy: “abcd efgh ijkl mnoq rstu vwxy z”
Teacher: “You forgot about the p.”
Boy: “The p whent down my pants.”
Why can’t a blonde call 911?
She can’t find the eleven (11).
Q: Why did the Hedgehog cross the road?
A: To see his Flat Mate.
Q. Why did the orange use suntan lotion?
A. He started to peel.
A newly wed couple were talking. Husband: “How many boyfriends did you have before marrying me?”
When his wife wasn’t answering, he said: “Don’t want to tell?”
Wife: “I’m still counting!!”
Teacher: Suppose you have 10 chocolates. You give 3 to Tina, 2 to Mina and 3 to Sema. What do you have now?
Boy: I would have 3 girlfriends.
Hey! I have a joke:
A wife and her husband were gone to see an exibition of paintings. So there was one painting, in it was a girl who was only wearing some leaves on her chest.
The husband was looking at the painting with an open mouth while the wife saw the whole exibibtion and came back to him and asked, “Are u going home or waiting for the wind to blow?”
The passenger fainted!
Mother to Johnny: “how was your exam, is all questions difficult?”
Johnny: “No mom, all the questions were simple, It was the answers which gave me all the trouble”!
During a cold winter day a wife messaged to her husband that “the Windows frozen”.
Husband replied to pour some warm water on them.
After a while husband received a message again “No way, the computer is completely spoilt now”.!
One day a software engineer drowned at the sea. There are many people on the beach and they heard him crying out. But no one understood what he was trying to say. Can you guess what he was trying to say? “F1, F1”!
Customer called to Tech support: “my computer is not connecting to Internet”
Tech support: “Ok, which operating system are you using?”
Customer: “Internet explorer”!
Tech support: “No, you just right click on “my computer” and click on the properties menu”
Customer: “what are you saying, this is not your computer, it is my computer”!
Four women living in the neighborhood were invited to a party. They were discussing about the dress they would wear for the party. They finally decided to choose the color that matches with the hair color of their husband.
The first woman told, ‘I will go with red as my husband colored his hair red’
The second woman said, ‘I always prefer black as my husband’s hair color is naturally black!’
The third woman told, ‘Yeah, then I do prefer to go with yellow dress as he has blonde hair!’ (yellow)
The fourth woman was quiet. All the other insisted her about her preferred color.
She said, ‘I was thinking a lot but can’t choose any color, I can’t wear any dress because my husband is bald!’
Master: “Why didn’t you water the plants yesterday?”
Servant: “It was raining.”
Master: “Don’t make excuses! You could have used an umbrella!!”
Teacher: Who is the father of the nation?
Student: I don’t know.
Teacher: What does hen lay?
Student: I don’t know.
Teacher: What is the average speed of cars?
Student: I don’t know.
Teacher: Ask your parents for help and tell me tomorrow.
Next day, the student met the teacher and answered: Mahatma Gandhi lays eggs at the average speed of 45km/hour.
101 Really Funny Jokes for Adults & Kids
ELEPHANT
It was oral examination in the standard two. The class teacher asked various questions to the students. She asked Tom, ‘Can you tell me a name of an animal that starts with alphabet ‘E’?
Tom replied ‘ELEPHANT’
Teacher asked him again to name an animal that starts with alphabet ‘T’.
Tom replied ‘Two Elephants’
Teacher asked him the same question.
Tom replied ‘Ten Elephants’
Annoyed teacher, asked him name an animal that starts with alphabet ‘M’
Tom replied ‘Mother Elephant’
The angry teacher repeated the same question.
Cool Tom replied ‘May be an elephant’
Teacher asked the students to tell the most common word used by students in a classroom.
Suddenly a student got up and said “Can’t Sir”!
Brilliant! You are right, the teacher said!
Johnny asked to Sam what they will do that night.
Sam said “we will flip a coin”
Then Johnny said “If it comes head, we will go for movies. If tails, we will play cards, if it stands on edge, we will study”!
Teacher asked the students to tell the importance of the year 1809.
John stand up and said “Abraham Lincoln was born”
Then teacher again asked the students to tell the importance of another year 1819
Then Sam suddenly stand up and said “Abraham Lincoln was ten years old”!
Hilarious Jokes
Teacher: Which one is closer, Sun or Africa?
Johnny: Sun
Teacher: Why?
Johnny: We can see the sun all the time, but can’t see Africa.
Teacher said the students to convert the sentence “I killed a person” into future tense.
Suddenly Johnny stands up and said, Sir the future tense is “u will go to jail”!
One day teacher asked Sam that did his father help him with his homework.
Sam simply said that “No, he did it all by himself”!
Little Sam (on phone): My son is having high fever and he won’t be able to come to school today.
Teacher: Who is this?
Little Sam: This is my father speaking!
Son: I am not able to go to school today.
Father: what happened?
Son: I am not feeling well
Father: Where you are not feeling well?
Son: In school!
Very Funny Teacher Joke
Teacher announced that “students, we will have only half a day of school in this morning.
All the students said “Yeahh”
Then the teacher said “We will have the other half this afternoon”!
Very Funny Teacher Jokes
Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: Because of the sign on the road.
Teacher: What type of sign?
Student: The sign that says, “School Ahead, Go Slow.”!
Sam: Dear sir, I want to ask you something.
Teacher: yes Sam, ask me, what do you want?
Sam: Sir, do you punish anyone for something they did not do?
Teacher: No Sam. Why should I?
Sam: Thank you sir. That’s a relief. I haven’t done the homework.
Math Teacher: Sara, what do you get when you subtract 897 from 1824 and add 176 and divide the answer by 3?
Sara: A Headache Madam.
Very Funny Teachers Jokes
Teacher to student: “Make a sentence using the word “I”
Student: “I is..”
Teacher: “No that is not correct, you should say I am”
Student: “Ok. I am the ninth letter in the Alphabet”!
Originally posted 2015-05-23 15:42:04.
