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It’s funny how I am good at giving advices to others but when it comes to helping myself, I don’t know what to do!! 😛
Never trust a person with one only facebook picture. 🙂
Accidentally missed the freeway exit for home, now I’m heading north to start a new life 🙂
Maybe the chicken saw someone from high school 🙄
Teenage girls hang out in odd numbered groups because they literally can’t even.
Nothing is more dangerous than a woman “gathering her thoughts”
About to mail my check for $1500 to nigeria for the $15million lottery i just won! Cya later SUCKAS!! 😎
Crying for no particular reason other than the fact that my cat spontaneously combusted!
I know it’s “cool” to make fun of celebrities, but the Bieber jokes need to stop. That’s somebody’s daughter. 😆
“It’s complicated” relationship status = someone cheated but we signed a lease 😀
Made my car into a hybrid by siphoning gas out of your tank 😆
listening to the latest britney spears record…….. i mean… definately not listening to britney spears
The statement ‘Hey! Calm down!’ has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down 🙂
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter. 😎
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore. 🙄
All the cutest and scariest animals are in Australia. How do you Australians get anything done? So much petting and fending off.
Dear IRS…I would like an itemized receipt showing me exactly how every one of my tax dollars is being spent. Thanks
If you are going to speak bad things about me on my back, come to me. I’ll tell you more 😆
I know it’s “cool” to make fun of celebrities, but the Bieber jokes need to stop. That’s somebody’s daughter
When I was a kid, I used to wake up early just to watch cartoons.
That awkward moment when all the seats are taken and everybody is staring at you. 😀
If only the world would look as hard for a clean alternative to oil and coal as it is for that damn plane we might be alive when they find it
Facebook is like a nude beach. Everybody lets everything hang out, and you really don’t want to see a lot of it… 😛
I’m gonna name my son Wussell so people think he has a speech impediment.
I’ve heard a few women mention that they love to get gifts from men that take their breath away…I’m thinking treadmill 😎
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas 😀
I want to ki¦¦ you. (options may vary)
I still water my dead plants every 3 months. Just in case… 🙂
I was NOT taking a selfie. I was showing off my new bathroom mirror!
Learn a lesson from your dog. No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that crap and move on. 😉
I wish I had somebody to blame all of my problems on, like my wife does. 😆