Funny Jokes for Whatsapp in English – One Line

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Funny Jokes for Whatsapp in English - One Line

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don’t have eyes.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.

What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.

A day without sunshine is like, night.

Born free, taxed to death.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

A student is talking to his teacher.

Student: “Would you punish me for something I didn`t do?”
Teacher:” Of course not.”
Student: “Good, because I haven’t done my homework.”
Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things.
Boy: What are the two things?
Girl: Your feet.

A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and and said, “Bow-wow!” The cat ran away. “What was that, Father?” asked Baby Mouse. “Well, son, that’s why it’s important to learn a second language.”
Submitted by BH LEE
My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
So I asked him “What was the name of his other leg?”
(Try this one with your students the next time you are teaching a lesson that includes this type of grammer.)

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What is faster Hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.

What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What’s the difference between a paycheck and a pen*s? You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.

Funny jokes for whatsapp status – Relationship

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

My birth certificate was a letter of apology that my dad got from the condom company…

Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.

Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

I just let my mind wander, and it didn’t come back.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you have got.

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I can handle pain until it hurts.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

You cannot taste me, until you undress me. -Banana

You cannot eat me unless you lick me. -Ice-cream

You cannot play with me unless you blow me. -Balloon

You cannot eat me unless you spread me. -Butter

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

A day without smiling is a day wasted.

Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much more for them.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
“I just can’t drink the way I used to”, replaces, “I’m never going to drink that much again”.

06: 00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

90 % of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

A $4 .00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good stuff”.

A ‘late night’ now ends at pm.

Funny Jokes for Whatsapp in English – One Line

About half the stuff in my shopping cart says, “For fast relief”.

All you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

All your favorite music is in the bargain bin at Wal-Mart.

An “all nighter” means not getting up to pee!

At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you’re not eating cereal.

Conversations with people your own age often turn into “dueling ailments.”

Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

Eating a basket of buffalo wings at AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

Everything hurts and what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work.
It takes twice as long to look half as good.

It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

It’s tougher to lose weight, because over time your body and your fat are really good friends.

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Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”

Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.

MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.

You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.

You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

You hold all reading material at arms length just to read it.

You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

You keep repeating yourself.

You keep repeating yourself. 😉

You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

You know the frequency of every oldies station in town.

You know what a Big Chief paper tablet looks like.

You know what the word equity means.

You learn where your prostate is.

You light the candles on your birthday cake and a group of campers form a circle and start singing Kumbaya.

You look both ways before crossing a room.

You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.

You look forward to a dull evening.

You make it a point to attend all the RV shows that come to town.

You move something to a more logical location and then can only remember where it used to be.

You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

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You no longer get winded running long distance, you get winded just DIALING long distance.

You no longer take naps from noon to PM.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

You owned a car that had running boards.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You read more and remember less.

You read the obituaries each day to make sure you’re not listed.

You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn’t apply to you.

You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.

You realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

You realize you’ve reached your sexpiration date.

You realize your rock-hard abs have turned to pillow-soft flabs.

You refer to your $ stereo system as “The Hi-Fi.”

You regret all those mistakes you made resisting temptation.

You remember when shopkeepers used to say “Come Again.” instead of “Have a nice day.”

You remember when the only people who wore rings in their noses were called pygmies.

You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.

You scout for a warmer place to spend the long, cold winters.

You send money to PBS.

You settle for a workout video titled “Buns of Putty”

You shop for health insurance the way you once shopped for a new car.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.

You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.

You start video taping daytime game shows.

You step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.

You still have a rotary phone.

You stop growing at the ends and start growing in the middle.

You stop half way up the stairs, and can’t remember if you were going up or coming down.

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You take a metal detector to the beach.

You talk about “good grass” and you’re referring to someone’s lawn.

You tell your kids about the “Olden Days”.

You tip more and carry less.

You tune into the easy listening station… on purpose.

You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.

You wake up looking like your driver’s license picture.

You wake up the morning after and yell at the old house cat to quit stomping his feet!

You wake up with that morning-after feeling and you didn’t do anything the night before.

You walk by a teen-ager with a boom box and you want to just smack him.

You watch the Weather Channel.

You wave goodbye to someone, your underarm flab causes wind shears.

You wear black socks with sandals.

You were alive when crayolas only came in eight colors.

You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don’t even remember being on top of it.

You wonder why you waited so long to take up macramé.
You work on your short game.

You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

You write down a name with the telephone number and when you look at it again, you still don’t have a clue who it is.

You’re around the neck, around the waist, and around the golf course.

You’re asleep, but others worry that you’re dead.

You’re on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.

you’re on vacation and you run out of energy before you run out of money.

You’re on vacation and your ENERGY runs out before your money does.

You’re sitting on a park bench and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.

You’re the one calling the police because those damn kids next door don’t know how to turn down the stereo.

You’ve seen it all, done it all, and can’t remember most of it!

You’ve still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

Younger men ask you for advice.

Younger women start opening doors for you.

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Your “get-up-and-go” got up and went.

Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

Your attire includes Hawaiian shirt, shorts, sandals and black socks.

Your back goes out but you stay home.

Your back goes out more than you do.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age… And isn’t breaking any laws.

Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

Your childhood toys are now in a museum.

Your drugs of preference are now vitamins.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.

Your hot flashes set off the smoke alarm.

Your house plants are alive and you can’t smoke any of them.

Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

Your insurance company sends you half a calendar.

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Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.

Your kids buy you and your spouse a t-shirt that says “old fart” and “old fart’s wife”.

Your knees buckle and your belt won’t.

Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.

Your medical expenses go up %.

Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.

Your mind bets you can do the simple physical tasks you’ve always done, and your body bets you can’t…and gives odds.

 

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